What are You Signalling?

When my divorce came through after 25 years of marriage, I was relieved. It had been a tough few years leading up to the conclusion of a partnership that had had some extreme ups and downs. But it left me with a quandary.

What to do with my wedding rings?

I discussed it one day with a close friend. I want to wear them because I wear very little jewellery and I like them. Ok, she said. But, I responded, I'm not married, so it seems like I'm signalling something false. Also, if I take the rings off, I will be signalling that I either never married or am somehow available and I don't want that either.

She looked at me for a couple of beats before saying, you don't need to signal anything. Do what you feel like doing.

That stopped me. I had been worried about what I was 'signalling'. Really? Stop and think about it. How much of what you do daily, how many decisions and actions are based on signalling to others. You might be signalling to your friends, work mates, neighbours or the general population. What are you saying?

Look at me. I'm attractive, healthy, progressive, educated, eco-friendly, well-off, sporty, fashionable, arty, whatever. We are all signalling. That is what our society has demanded. Who are you? How do I box you up so I know how to market to you? Are you worth approaching? Are you worth knowing? Even those who look unkempt are signalling that they don't care. We get it!

We learn this as teen-agers. We separate into tribes. Sporty, nerdy, popular, goths. It is de riguer to decide which tribe you are in or want to be a part of. Have you grown out of the tribe your high school put you into?

Think about this now. Look around you. This is as much a function of marketing as it is individual (apparently) choice. You might drive an SUV. This signals that you have a big-ish vehicle, you sit above traffic and you can go anywhere. You don't go anywhere but between home, work and the school pick up, but you COULD. You may also be signalling that you like the size and the feeling of safety being in a larger car, despite the eco-damage done.

You might wear designer clothing or wear expensive athletic gear. What are you signalling? Is the clothing actually superior or are you signalling that you want to be seen as fashionable and sporty and are happy to spend three to four times the amount unlabelled clothing would cost you. Any idea where it's made? By whom? Out of what? I accept that elite athletes may need the superior (if indeed it is) performance of their outfits. But do you?

Look at the people attending various awards ceremonies. Can you think of a more ridiculous, anxiety ridden lifestyle than that one? Am I thin enough? Am I wearing the right designer? Is it over the top? Is it over the top ENOUGH? Have I jumped the shark to absurd or will they all be talking about me tomorrow? Good? Bad? Oh, God! Let me win and not trip on the way up the stairs. These people are paid millions of dollars to just turn up. To entertain us. Like court jesters. They are paid enormous sums of money but for what? Are they more important than the people who care for our elderly? Are they more important than those we entrust to educate our children? Are they more important than millions of other talented, skilled workers we don't even think about? How about the structural engineer who decides a bridge needs re-inforcing before it's built so the people who use it are safe?

Our values have become skewed. We thrill to the latest earnings report of people working on Wall Street and our young people flock to business schools to become one of them. But they don't create anything. They simply move money from one place to another and get paid a lot to do it. People become corrupted by the dollars and lose their sense.

Aspiring to be rich is a hollow goal. How will you know when you get there? Is $1 Million enough? $10 million? $100 Million? $1000 million? There will always be someone with more. If that is your only goal, what will you do when you get there? Travel in luxury. Define luxury. Someone will always have a bigger yacht, car, plane than you.

Define what you really want and then decide what you need to have enough. You need a roof over your head. Yes. You need food and clothing. Yes. You need to belong in some sort of community. Yes. You need self esteem. Yes. Then you reach the really important stuff around self actualisation. Being the best human you can be. Yes.

And I will share with you what some of the richest people on the planet will tell you. Nothing about money feels better than giving it away.

Take a good hard look at where you are and what you are signalling to the world. Only you can change that to what you truly believe rather than what someone is telling you to be. When you change it, you will be signalling that you are truly a secure, happy and confident person.

What are you signalling?